Any deeper and you’d have to put your boots on.
So my friend Kregg is explaining to our pool opponents that we’re leaving after this game…
Kregg: Yeah, we’re leaving soon, it’s almost our bedtime.
Me: Please don’t refer to it as our bedtime!
Kregg: Our totally separate bedtimes!
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From a column by Peggy Noonan:
“Religious conservatives know something’s wrong with us, that man’s a mess. They are not left dazed by the latest applications of this fact. “This just in—there’s a lot of sinning going on out there” is not a headline they’d understand to be news.”
Link to full column: http://online.wsj.com/article/declarations.html
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Upon showing up at a WYC meeting wearing a nice shirt, I was accused of being gainfully employed:
“Matt, you’re dressed like you’re gainfully employed!” —Brandon Whitehead
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[Standing in an alley, my buddy starts making a weird sound while smoking a cigarette]
Me: Dude, what is that? Did your cigarette go out?
Buddy: Uhh…it’s not a cigarette.
Me: Ohhh…is that why we’re standing in this back alley?
Buddy: Yeah…I, uh, thought you figured that out.
Me: I’m a little slow…
So, yes, I am a little slow. I also have a poor sense of smell…
(8:09:00 PM) matt@mattjm.com/Home: I HATE EVERYTHING
(8:09:23 PM) Heather Fuller: nownow. there are plenty of things you like. but i realize you are not to be reasoned with at the moment.
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From an old guy at the Twin Falls County Fair (in Idaho):
“Well it turns out our senator’s a queer, but I knew he was a queer back when we elected him in 1980!”
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Today a woman on campus asked me for directions:
Her: Can you tell me where the library is?
Me: Which one?
Her: The big main one.
Me: …that doesn’t necessarily help.
Her: soofalo or whatever.
I gave her directions to the Suzallo Library.
“Sir, you are clearly someone who is concerned about the environment.” —Greenpeace guy on the Ave.
“…and I have the right not to care. I shouldn’t have said that.” —Me
Me: I’m Matt! I can do whatever I want!
Cory: So you can have sex with guys?
Me: Uhh…I could. But I choose not to.
Me: I’m surprised system administrators don’t get god complexes more often.
Becky M: Why?
Me: Because we’re gods!
door closes
Me: Why are you locking me in my office?
Boss: Don’t come out until you’re done!
“I haven’t thrown up since sixth grade—and that was more of a chunky cough.” —Ashley Ronnell
“It’s supposed to be a habit by the time you move out because your parents are supposed to nag the !@#$ out of you about it.” —Shannon Bowman, on long-haired people leaving clumps of hair in the shower that clog the drain.
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